she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
