During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I would ride that face into the sunset
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.