At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week