Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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