The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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