if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
