mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
