Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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