i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.