my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.