3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.