I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato