my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize