sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
