Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
