I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
