I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
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could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
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Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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