Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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