sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
