Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
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You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
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It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???