Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...