Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.