We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
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casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?