Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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