sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
