i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
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Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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