Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
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i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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