That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?