I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
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I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?