my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
