A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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