Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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