Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.