things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk