I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
