im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
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He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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