bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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