If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
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this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
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Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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