I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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