We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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