No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
