I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.