you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
