I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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