OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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