id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
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I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize