K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
