I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
