u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
