Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
