I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
