i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
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He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
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I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you