I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.