You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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