i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm bleeding and have questions
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
