my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.