My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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