All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
