When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How naked do you want me to be?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
