Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
